Dear Princess Appletree Blossom,

 

It was with great interest that I read your email proposing a wedding to unite our Kingdoms. I was so engrossed with your proposal that I unconsciously began polishing My Royal Scepter in anticipation of our meeting. With unfortunate timing my Queen Deborah came upon me and was less than pleased with the sight.

 

Without a word she leaned over and read your letter. It was at that moment she stated that if I considered your proposal she would see that all I value, including my Scepter, would be halved.

 

She was, as was I, impressed with the grandness of your proposed twelve kegger, and realized the wealth you must possess.

 

I am sorry to hear of your Mother's untimely demise. I have often witnessed the hunger of these voracious fish while enforcing my laws and know you must find some consolation in the swiftness of her death. I have tried to make my Kingdom a safer place from these killers.

 

We also imagined what a grand site the Royal dragon slayers union, riding upon red and orange dragons, outfitted in golden trimmings would be as they approached the castle. We have not seen them since a Grateful Dead concert in the early eighties and remember their great spectacle.

 

My cat Tigger was very pleased that Queen Deborah objected to the union, as he scampers from the room during the Taco Bell commercial featuring a much less Majestic animal than your Royal St Bernard.

 

My current Queen does and excellent job keeping a polish on all my treasures, including my scepter, and you will be relieved that my ass is constantly being kissed, even in your absence.

 

If the truth is to be known, I started my life as an amphibian, and with out My Queens constant kissing I would surely revert back to my natural state.

 

With that said I truly wish you and your father a prosperous season and hope your birthday celebration is legendary for it's magnificence.

 

HRM